Guest Contributor – Sarah Fader
Why Do You Care If I Don’t Drink?
It’s 2001 and I’m in a bar in New York City (my hometown). I’m with some college friends from NYU. They are drinking and a friend of a friend looks at me and asks me what I want to drink.
“A coke.” I say.
“You don’t want a beer or anything?” They ask.
“No, just a coke. I don’t drink.”
“Why don’t you drink?” They ask. “I’m just curious.”
I sigh deeply because this is not the first time I’ve been asked this question. In fact, as a 22 year old, I get it all the time. I guess it’s because many college students drink socially or to excess. To make matters worse they start rambling on about how much they love to go out and why drinking helps them relax and wonder how I relax. Holy shit, please stop talking. I am thirsty.
I don’t want to reply to their question with a serious answer. I’m tired of explaining why I don’t drink because I have to do it so often. So many thoughts go through my head that I can’t keep track of them. I’m pondering different responses I’ve used in the past:
The family history response: “My mom was a recovered alcoholic and substance abuse runs in my family so I don’t touch alcohol.
The scientific response: “Alcohol is a depressant and I have mental illness and I don’t want more of that.”
The funny but accurate response: “My brain is a haunted house and I don’t need to add anything else to it.”
But, for some reason, none of these seem like what I want to say tonight. Tonight, I’m fucking tired and I don’t want to play these games. So I turn to the guy who asked me this stupid question and say:
“Hmmm, I don’t know. Why do you drink?” He is thrown off guard and doesn’t know what to say. He clutches his Stella trying to think of a response but I don’t care.
I leave him there, confused and get my own coke.
You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation
The real answer to “why don’t you drink” is “it’s none of your fucking business.”
It doesn’t matter that my mom was an alcoholic, it’s irrelevant that alcohol doesn’t taste good, and I don’t need to explain science to people.
Go fuck yourself and let me have my coke.
We need to stop asking intrusive questions to people. If they don’t drink, then they don’t drink.
If someone came to your house and said “I don’t eat pork” would you ask them why? Who cares? They don’t eat it so don’t serve it to them.
If I told you I don’t like chocolate chip cookies with nuts in them, do I need to explain why to you? No, just don’t give them to me.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter why I don’t drink. It’s my choice.
And it’s your choice too.
If someone asks you why you don’t drink and you want to share, that’s great. If you’re in recovery and you want to talk about it, that’s your right to do so. But do not let anyone pressure you into talking about something you’re uncomfortable about discussing. Your journey is personal and you decide who gets the privilege to hear your story and if you want to tell it, I’m here to listen.
Sarah Fader is the CEO and Co-Founder of Stigma Fighters, a non-profit organization dedicated to empowering individuals with mental illness to share their stories and combat the stigma surrounding mental health. A New York native, Sarah’s advocacy has been recognized on platforms such as New York Times, Good Day New York, Psychology Today, Women’s Health Magazine, and The Washington Post.
An accomplished author, Sarah has written, co-authored and edited 15 books spanning mental health workbooks, children’s literature, and fiction. Her works, including the 10 Step Depression Relief Workbook and The CBT Workbook, offer practical tools to support mental well-being. Through her leadership and writing, Sarah continues to inspire change, foster understanding, and advocate for a world that values mental health.
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