Contributing Writer – Sandra Smith
The Question I Couldn’t Ignore
“If you are so healthy of a person, then why are you still drinking?”
This is a question I asked myself many a hungover morning and tried to avoid thinking about.
A Lifetime of Self-Help, But One Blind Spot
I’ve been on a journey of self-help for the last thirty years. It all started with Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life, which I began reading at 24 years old. The concept of the book is that every thought we think is creating our future.
I started working with affirmations to change my life. I broke up with my fiancé at the time because of his drug addiction. I had just graduated from college with a degree in psychology. I thought, I can’t do this anymore. We had even put money down on a venue.
I moved to another state to escape his addiction and reinvent my life. I loved him and thought moving away would make him change. He didn’t, and we both moved on. But I took my addiction with me.
The Drinking That Wouldn’t Stop
At the time, I could see his addiction but not my own. I thought I just drank and partied like everyone else my age did on the weekends. He used every day and used a drug that wasn’t sold at the grocery store, so it seemed obvious to me that he was the one with the problem.
I did stop smoking, which was very difficult—I was a pack-a-day smoker.
Fast forward to my 50s, and I was still drinking on the weekends at home. I was a member of a winery and enjoyed red wine. I had been married for over 20 years, and we had a daughter. From the outside, I had my life together:
- I had healed many areas of my life.
- I ate healthy.
- I thought positively.
- I had a good career.
- I had a savings account.
It seemed like things were going pretty well.
Facing the Truth: Alcohol and My Marriage
But I was still drinking to excess three nights a week and experiencing painful consequences—both physical and emotional.
So why was I still doing it?
If I was on a journey to peace and well-being and succeeding in other aspects of my life, why was I still poisoning myself and making myself sick?
The truth was, I knew if I quit drinking, my marriage would end, and I didn’t want to lose that. If I stopped drinking, it would be like pulling a Jenga block from the bottom of the stack of our relationship.
The foundation of our marriage was built around drinking. He was a bartender when we met, and now he was a wine distributor at a beverage company. Drinking was really the only thing we did together at this point—eat dinner, drink wine, and watch TV on the weekends.
Quitting, Divorce, and Reinventing Myself
I quit drinking on September 10, 2020, after a two-day hangover. Our 22nd anniversary was on September 12th. He gave me a case of Stella beer as a present. I don’t think I could even bring myself to get him anything other than a card. He ended up drinking the beer.
There were other problems in the marriage—finances, division of labor, core beliefs—and we tried marriage counseling, but it was too little, too late.
In November 2020, I started the excruciating process of ending the marriage for good. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Like the kindergarten teacher says, “Sandra, you worry about yourself.”
I knew a divorce would hurt my daughter, but I also knew I wasn’t a good role model for her. Unless you think being a doormat is a good thing to be.
My divorce took four years to finalize, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We sold our marital home, and now we both rent. It was horribly hard on our daughter. Financially, it’s a strain to go from a dual-income household to a single-income one.
But we did it.
The Light on the Other Side
I’m here to tell you that you can take care of yourself and live a sober life. You can make changes in the face of adversity.
At first, there will be more rainy days than sunny days. But I have been reinventing my life again, and now there are more sunny days than rainy days.
The sun is always behind the clouds, waiting to shine.
Sandra Smith is a contributing writer for Sober Not Subtle. Sandra is a life coach, grief counselor, and sober coach dedicated to helping others navigate life’s challenges with compassion and support. Based in North Carolina, she finds joy in spending time with her horse and her 21-year-old daughter. A passionate advocate for holistic living, Sandra enjoys vegetarian cooking and has recently taken up brewing her own kombucha. With dreams of owning a hobby farm one day, she embraces a mindful and intentional lifestyle.
Sandra holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Misericordia and an MBA in Business Administration from the University of Arizona. Through her coaching practice, Waves of Love, she provides guidance for those seeking healing, personal growth, and sobriety. Follow Sandra on her social media accounts below:
Leave a Reply