Guest Contributor – Sarah Fader
I have multiple disabilities. I don’t even know if I like the word disability. Dis-ability—it’s so negative.
In the 1990s, when I was growing up, you insulted another person by “dissing” them. When I hear the word disability, I feel that I’m being dissed by society. You are not enough, you are weak, you are wrong, you are broken in some fundamental way. You are fucked up. You’re not enough, not normal, not a real person because you have nothing left to give.
A Factory Reject
I am a factory reject from a company that manufactures normal people—only I’m not normal. I’m disabled, and I can’t stop thinking about all the things about me that don’t measure up. I want to know why I think this way, and the reason is simple: I’ve been brainwashed by society to believe that I am not a correct human.
But it’s my disability that makes me able to be better. It’s my disability that allows me the courage to be who I am, and it doesn’t mean that I’m broken. It means that I am layered with a variety of colors that just don’t match the walls of the room that you’re standing in—and that’s okay. I’m okay with that because I can mix colors and patterns and numbers even.
I don’t know how to play by the rules, and I’ve never been someone who likes rules anyway.
Breaking Free
Rules are restrictive. I want to break free and be the person I am without labels and constraints and other people around me telling me who I ought to be. I’m tired of that shit. I’m exhausted from trying to emulate the person next to me on the train who appears to be “normal” just so that I won’t get stared at.
I’m disgusted with the part of myself that’s ashamed of who I am. I’m sickened by the tiny particles that want to change and be someone they’re not.
I’ll never be fucking normal, and that’s okay because normal isn’t real. Normal is a mythological character who has a perfect jawline, straight teeth, and a killer smile. I’ve seen him in action, that Normal. He’s a duplicitous no-good whore. I’m done with him. I’ve trusted him to guide me in this lifetime, and he leads me astray each and every time.
Goodbye, Normal
So I’m abandoning you, Normal. You’re not going to be my tour guide on this journey we call life anymore. Because you’re fake as hell, and I can see through you. Those teeth aren’t even real.
Goodbye, Normal. I’m never going to be you, and that’s what makes me beautiful.
I’m not going to let myself pretend to be something I’m not any longer, because my face feels like it’s going to fall off, and I can’t breathe, and I want to be myself.
Who Am I?
I am fragmented, and sometimes I float above my body.
I’m full of carbonated bubbles and sparklers inside my stomach, and sometimes they crackle without my consent. But that doesn’t make me bad or wrong.
It makes me who I am.
Sarah Fader is the CEO and Co-Founder of Stigma Fighters, a non-profit organization dedicated to empowering individuals with mental illness to share their stories and combat the stigma surrounding mental health. A New York native, Sarah’s advocacy has been recognized on platforms such as New York Times, Good Day New York, Psychology Today, Women’s Health Magazine, and The Washington Post.
An accomplished author, Sarah has written, co-authored and edited 15 books spanning mental health workbooks, children’s literature, and fiction. Her works, including the 10 Step Depression Relief Workbook and The CBT Workbook, offer practical tools to support mental well-being. Through her leadership and writing, Sarah continues to inspire change, foster understanding, and advocate for a world that values mental health.
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