Guest Contributor – Linda Arenz Shaffer
The guilt and shame, the dry heaves, the obsessions for more cocaine and whiskey, the hurt feelings of friends, the wrecked cars, the blacked-out nights, the bewilderment. Hitting bottom 38 years ago at age 21 was my wrecked soul. I was in college and working as a bartender. I was lonely and scared and ashamed. The road to this bottom took six short years, but the descent was mind-boggling.
Many people think that getting clean and sober is the goal. I thought getting happy was the goal. The real goal should have been to be a genuine and honest human being. Even though I was able to get off the alcohol and drugs, I was not able to become a genuine and honest human being for many years. The road to being fully humbled by my selfish, lazy, and entitled personality took upwards of twenty years. I got fired from jobs because I was divisive and entitled. I got into bad relationships because I was lazy and entitled and manipulative. I got suicidal because I would not take the advice of mental health professionals.
Eventually, I got on some antidepressants, and WOW, I could think for the first time in my life. I could separate the true from the false, and my life started to improve. I changed careers and had some success. Next, the lazy and entitled took over again; so I self-destructed that career. I started a new career and a marriage. The marriage was based on lies, so it failed after two weeks, but I stayed in it for eight years because I thought I could fix him and it. He left me for someone more messed up than me. My new work endeavor imploded, and I had to take a long, hard look at myself.
I sat beside rivers and watched the water move effortlessly. I put my ego on the shelf, I made some amends, I became a more honest and genuine human being via honest work of the 12 steps and staying on my psychiatric medications. I learned to do yoga. I started meditating. Facing fears is so much easier than I ever thought it would be. Being genuine is so much more comforting than I ever thought it would be. Helping others is more fulfilling than “helping” myself through selfishness.
Face the fears—trust the process.
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