How Well Do You Know Your Best Friend?

Guest Contributor – Eric Stam

My best friend has been sober for almost fifteen years. We’ve known each other pretty much since birth. Not only are we friends, but we’re also second cousins—our grandparents are siblings. When Jay was in second grade, he moved to my town, and we’ve been as close as two friends can be ever since.

We went to the same elementary, junior high, and senior high schools, attended the same day camps and sleepaway camp, and even went to SUNY colleges just an hour apart. We got married and had kids around the same time, and our families are really close as well.

I mention all of this because, no matter how well you think you know someone, there’s always a chance you don’t know them as deeply as you might think.

I can still remember the day Jay told me he was quitting drinking like it was yesterday. He and my other best friend, Brian, were tailgating at Citi Field for its grand opening, and Jay just came out with it. Brian and I were like, “Yeah, we get it. You need some time off to take a break.” I even remember saying, “You’ll be back in a year if you just need some time off.”

But Jay stuck to his word and his truth. And I am so damn proud of what he’s done for himself and his family. Every year on his sober anniversary (I think that’s what it’s called—March 25th, FYI), I text him congratulations and tell him how proud I am of him.

What I didn’t realize for the longest time was what led to him needing to get sober. I always figured he thought the drinking and drugs (some of which I didn’t even know he was using) got a little out of hand and started messing up his life—his family’s life. But to me, it never seemed that bad or alarming.

What I never understood was the reason behind it all. And this brings me to the question: How well do you know your best friend?

I recently learned, through the Sober Dad Crew podcast, where Jay was a guest, that his entire life, he was battling depression and anxiety. I could go into all the details of what he went through and how he dealt with it, but I’ll leave that for you to hear on the podcast.

What I will say is that, on the outside, Jay was the center of attention—the funny guy, loved by everyone. But after hearing his story, I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to tell him how proud I am of him and how sorry I am that he went through life feeling that way.

Of course, I had no idea. As he’ll tell you, he didn’t tell anyone and kept it all inside, which is why he ended up where he is today. While I feel bad about what he went through, I’m also completely in awe of how he’s turned his life around.

Now, as a peer recovery coach, he’s changing lives for the better—hundreds of them.

Jay, I’m so proud of who you’ve become and everything you’re doing. I’m sorry for what you went through, but most of all, I want you to know how much I love you. You’ll always have me in your corner, my best friend.