The Fine Line Between Hearing and Actually Listening

Founder and Contributing Writer – Jason Mayo

In my early days of recovery, people would say things like, “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.” I had no clue what the hell they were talking about at the time. Now I know they were basically telling me to shut up and listen. I did what they suggested, but in those early days, I’m not sure I was ready to listen. I could hear them loud and clear, but I wasn’t actually listening. It’s like when my wife asks me to pick up the dog shit in the backyard. I throw out a quick “I hear you” and go right back to scrolling on my phone, fully intending to eventually get to it. Five hours later, there she is, standing at the door, giving me that look—like, “You suck.” Turns out, hearing isn’t the same as listening. Who knew?

And honestly, this isn’t exactly new behavior for me. When the kids were little, I was great at pretend sleeping so my wife would have to get up and handle them. I’d hear the baby cry, but instead of listening to what that cry meant, I’d go full Academy Award mode—perfectly timed snores, deep breathing, the works. I figured if I didn’t acknowledge the sound, I wouldn’t have to act on it. Genius, right? Wrong. My wife, on the other hand, was less impressed with my method acting.

It took getting deeper into recovery to understand there’s a huge difference between hearing noise and actually listening to what’s being said. At meetings, I heard a lot—stories, advice, slogans like “one day at a time” or “progress, not perfection.” But those things didn’t stick until I started listening—really listening.

Hearing is easy. It’s passive. It’s the sound that grazes your eardrums and slides out the other side while you play Fortnite or decide which game to watch. Listening, though, requires effort. It means being present, setting your own thoughts aside, and letting the other person’s words really land. Whether it’s a fellow in recovery sharing something heavy, or my wife reminding me to pick up dog shit before the backyard becomes a minefield, it’s about more than just hearing—it’s about showing up.

When I started working as a peer advocate, I realized how crucial this skill is. Half of the training is about listening, for God’s sake. When someone opens up to me about addiction, trauma, or the struggle to stay sober, they don’t necessarily want advice. Most of the time, they just want to be heard. There’s something transformative about knowing someone is really listening—not trying to fix or judge, just being present with you.

One of the biggest shifts in my recovery came when I was at a 12-step meeting, and a woman shared, “My husband died last night, and I’m not going to drink today.” If I had just heard her, I might’ve thought, “Wow, that’s rough,” and moved on. But I listened. I let the weight of her words hit me, and it rearranged something inside me. It wasn’t just a statement—it was a promise. No matter what. And that kind of listening? It sticks.

Now, I wish I could say I’ve become an expert listener, but my wife would tell you otherwise. Just last week, she reminded me—twice—to pick up the dog shit (yes, it’s a real issue in our house). I heard her loud and clear. Did I listen? Not exactly. Cue me out there in the dark with a paper towel and a bag, half blind, wondering why I didn’t just do it earlier.

The difference now is that I catch myself. I’m working on it. Whether it’s with my wife, my kids, or someone I’m helping in recovery, I’m learning to stop, be present, and really listen. Because listening isn’t just about the words—it’s about honoring the person saying them. And sometimes, it means getting up in the middle of the night instead of playing possum. Or grabbing the paper towels before things get… messy. No matter what.

Jason Mayo is the creator and founder of Sober Not Subtle. He is a certified recovery peer advocate in New York. Before working in recovery, Jason was owner and executive producer of award winning visual effects and animation companies in NYC.

He currently writes for The Sober Curator, has been a contributing writer for the Forbes Business Council, creator of the popular Dad blog Out-Numbered, and author of the children’s books, “Do Witches Make Fishes?” and “The Boy and the Billy Goat.” His debut memoir, In Case of Emergency, Break Childhood is due out Fall 2025.

Jason has been sober since March 25th, 2010.