Contributing Writer – Sandra Smith
It has been 1,600 days as of January 28, 2025, since I drank. I stay sober by not drinking one day at a time using the Women for Sobriety program. The first Acceptance Statement is:
I have a life-threatening problem that once had me. I now take charge of my life and my well-being. I accept the responsibility.
My Life Before Sobriety
I could be the girl next door. I had a successful career in the pharmaceutical industry. I had completed a BS in psychology. In my thirties, I went back to school and got a Master’s in Business Administration. I was married for over 20 years, and we had a daughter. We had a house, two dogs, and two cats. I was physically healthy. I had a horse and liked to craft.
But I also liked to numb out with alcohol every weekend and drank to get drunk. I had a volcanic amount of anger I was suppressing, and sometimes the lava did explode out onto my husband and even my daughter. I was waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and experiencing severe anxiety during the day.
Early Signs of Alcohol Addiction
Looking back, I have always had a problem with alcohol and drank to excess, resulting in violent vomiting and a horrible hangover the first time I drank with friends. We were 13 years old, and one Saturday, we paid an adult to buy us vodka at the liquor store. We had a one-gallon jug of orange juice and made some strong screwdrivers, drinking to see what “getting drunk” felt like in a stand of trees next to the liquor store.
Mental Illness and Self-Medication
Mental illness and addiction go hand in hand. My anxiety, which began when I was five years old, came first, and my self-medication with substance use came second. Seeking relief by using addictive substances progressed from cigarettes to marijuana to alcohol to Klonopin. I medicated myself to handle the crippling anxiety I experienced.
Alcohol and Trauma
Alcohol and trauma go hand in hand. Sometimes the trauma comes before alcohol use, and sometimes the alcohol comes first, and trauma follows. It can be like a chicken-and-egg argument, wondering which came first, but trauma and alcohol use are bedfellows.
I am a survivor of a sexual assault that came about because of my alcohol use when I was 19 years old. Trust me when I say, I am not blaming the victim, which was myself. My assault would not have occurred if copious amounts of alcohol were not consumed, and binge drinking was not how I spent every weekend in my late teens and twenties.
Unfortunately, the fact is there are predators in this world, and my innocence, trusting nature, and inebriation made me easy prey. My predator was not a stranger but a trusted friend/coworker, who I liked to party with.
Codependency and Alcohol
Codependency and alcohol go hand in hand. All my romantic relationships and most of my friendships were built around a shared interest in alcohol and partying. Letting loose or letting it all hang out was accepted. There was always someone else normalizing the “bad” behavior or painful physical problems that resulted from alcohol use.
Legal Consequences of Drinking
Legal problems and alcohol go hand in hand. I was twenty-five years old when I was pulled over on my way home from a night of partying at a bar. It was terrifying to be taken to the police station and charged with a DUI. I lost my license for a year.
Hitting My Personal Rock Bottom
I drank to get drunk for 37 years because alcohol was my drug of choice. In recovery, there is a saying that there is no rock bottom—you just decide to put the shovel down. The month I turned fifty is when I put my shovel down.
The decision to stop drinking “cold turkey” came about in 2020. I suffered from alcohol poisoning from my drinking on September 9th. I didn’t have to go to the hospital, but I felt like I was going to die the next morning. I was sick for two days with a hangover, but this felt worse than a hangover.
My head hurt so badly that it felt like a migraine times ten. My eyes hurt in the sun. I was unable to eat anything due to the nausea I was experiencing. I might have thrown up that morning, but I don’t remember. It is hard to describe the intensity of the pain I was feeling, and the physical symptoms were as bad as the emotional pain.
I was having heart palpitations and feelings of terror. My hands were shaking. I could not “sleep it off” because I felt so terrible. There was no escaping this intense pain. And the weird thing was, I had not drunk hard liquor. I had had a Thursday night just like all my Thursday nights. My husband and I drank red wine, watched TV, and had gone to bed around 11:00 PM. We might have drunk two bottles but no more than that. I had eaten dinner. I had not thrown up that night.
After years of failing to control my alcohol consumption and experiencing painful consequences, I unequivocally knew deep down that I had a problem with alcohol.
Life in Recovery
My sobriety is something I am thankful for every day. It has enabled me to repair many of the unhealthy relationships I was in. It has allowed me to become dependent on myself and break the chokehold of my co-dependent relationships. My life is, without a doubt, better now without alcohol. I am healthy and am managing my anxiety with healthy coping tools now. I shape my destiny with my conscious decisions and life choices.
How My Life Has Transformed
I have completely transformed my life for the better.
- My divorce is final.
- I have a new job that I enjoy.
- I live in a rented townhome and have wonderful neighbors.
- My relationships with my mother, sister, and daughter are peaceful.
- I set healthy boundaries and keep myself safe.
- And I am sober.
Sandra Smith is a contributing writer for Sober Not Subtle. Sandra is a life coach, grief counselor, and sober coach dedicated to helping others navigate life’s challenges with compassion and support. Based in North Carolina, she finds joy in spending time with her horse and her 21-year-old daughter. A passionate advocate for holistic living, Sandra enjoys vegetarian cooking and has recently taken up brewing her own kombucha. With dreams of owning a hobby farm one day, she embraces a mindful and intentional lifestyle.
Sandra holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Misericordia and an MBA in Business Administration from the University of Arizona. Through her coaching practice, Waves of Love, she provides guidance for those seeking healing, personal growth, and sobriety. Follow Sandra on her social media accounts below:
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