Guest Contributor – Chrissy Collins
My name is Chrissy Collins. I am 46 years old. I was born and bred in New York City, Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood—you might have heard of it.
I was 15 years old when I first started drinking. It was normal back then to sneak a drink here and there at family parties and get-togethers. I grew up pretty fast. I started hanging out in the neighborhood bars at 16 years old. No one asked for ID. Everyone knew who I was and who my friends were. We were in the bars, hanging out with people in their 20s through their 80s. I had a blast. When I turned 21, my friends and I began venturing out. We were legal now! We would plan our nights out, but it was always centered around alcohol and the bars.
Even as a kid, birthday parties and dinners always turned into a drinking fest. It was something I was used to.
Fast forward—I had my first child, a girl named Ava, when I was 25. I settled down and got married. We had our second child, another girl named Emma, when I was 30 years old. A year later, my husband at the time and I separated. We both moved on, and I met someone else and had my third child, a boy named Hudson.
The drinking was still there. I went out every weekend. My son’s father and I were off and on for the first three years, and then we just separated altogether. I was a single mom. I worked, put my kids through school, took them to dance and activities on the weekends, and still made time for myself to go out to the bars. My kids were always taken care of. I had my parents and other family members helping me out and babysitting for me.
My drinking became a part of everything. I began to black out after having my first child. I would have a few drinks and have to be taken home because I would be dilapidated. I’d lose my phone, my wallet, my keys—anything! As time went on, I drank more, blacked out more, and made life miserable for my family. My kids saw me at my worst. I would fight with everyone.
Then COVID hit. We were in lockdown. Now I began drinking at home. I woke up and drank white wine during the day or White Claws and High Noons. I would put it in a water bottle so the kids wouldn’t know. Then I would switch to red wine in the evening.
It was my birthday, and my friend came over to have a few drinks with me at my house. She brought her kids. I went to the liquor store and bought a six-pack of Corona, a six-pack of margaritas (the ready-to-drink kind), and a six-pack of some vodka drink. I also had a bottle of rosé that I started on. My friend had about three drinks. I drank everything I bought! I blacked out in my apartment with my kids there.
I woke up the next morning with complete anxiety. I was so scared. I didn’t know what I did. I didn’t remember anything. I knew I was done. I couldn’t do this anymore. It was bad.
I decided to stop altogether. I waited a few days and told my kids. I apologized to them for everything. They were so proud of me, especially my oldest daughter, Ava. Everyone was proud of me and supported my decision.
Fast forward to May 16, 2023—I made three years sober! I was finally comfortable and confident in my sobriety. I felt great in my new way of life! My kids had a cake for me, gave me cards and flowers, and reminded me that I was doing a great job, just like they did each year. I was happy!
Then, on June 24, 2023, tragedy hit home. My daughter Ava was hit by a car and died. I can’t even begin to describe how I felt and how I feel. I lost my child. It is the worst thing in this world that anyone can go through. She was killed, and it was bad. I was just lost, scared, in shock, and sick to my stomach beyond words. My daughter was gone.
I thought of drinking. It crossed my mind. But I also thought about how proud Ava was of me and how I could get through this tragedy without alcohol. I will never get over this or get through it by any means possible, but I do not need alcohol.
I see other people using alcohol to cope with the loss of Ava. But I also know that my kids, Emma and Hudson, are alive and need me. They need the sober mom I was before we lost Ava. I feel that if I took a glass of wine to “relax,” I’d end up running around town bar-hopping. It’s not worth it.
I am coming up on my five-year soberversary on May 16. I know that Ava is looking down on me, saying, “I am so proud of you, Mommy.”
People tell me I’m so strong, and they don’t know how I can get through my daughter dying. That doesn’t make me strong. I have no choice but to wake up and take care of my kids because they need me. I am breaking inside more and more every day because I miss my daughter so much. I don’t know how I am doing it.
What I think makes me strong is not drinking. I am so proud of myself for not giving up and not letting alcohol back into my life after such a terrible, traumatic tragedy occurred. I honestly don’t even want it.
Grief sucks, and it’s hard. It’s going to be with me for the rest of my life. Alcohol will not be.
I hope I can be strong in a way that helps others.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
Ava Mairead Conklin
August 3, 2003 – June 24, 2023
Forever 19
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