Contributing Writer – David Zaleski, CRPA
There is a legal doctrine called stare decisis that requires the courts to follow court decisions when the same or similar issues arise. It’s an important concept in the law. It means that when you go to court you have a reasonable certainty in what the outcome will be. You can predict what will likely happen every time the same circumstance comes up. It’s all about the principles of the law and not the whims of the judge in the case. It provides stability in the law and in the courts. For the law, it works – when it works. But, it isn’t so great for your personal life.
You see, doing the same thing over and over again will always lead to the same place when it comes to our behaviors. It creates predictability, but not stability in your personal life when it comes to addiction.
When I was in law school, I would use food to numb my feelings. Undiagnosed bipolar disorder, a raging desire to be thin and desirable, coming to terms with my sexuality, and feeling like an outcast in my own body all went away when I would binge on two pizzas in a single sitting. It all went away when I would purge later – if I did that time. It all went away when I would alternatively restrict and not eat for days to try and lose weight fast and feel the pains in my stomach which gave a physical symptom to my psychological torments.
Food helped me numb the pains and feelings I had the same way alcohol or drugs is used to numb in others. It was my escape and my prison. Constantly running to food meant that I was always going to predict where I ended up: feeling ashamed and worthless more than before, feeling that I was disgusting and should just end it all. My food addiction meant I was reinforcing my feelings of hopelessness from my depression and poor body image. And I just kept at it.
I kept running back to food as my crutch and comfort so that I had a predictable life. Predictable, but not stable. There is an illusion of stability in addiction. There is always the thought that you’re handling it; that this time it will be different; that if I just eat this next box of cookies, in addition to the two I’ve already finished tonight, everything will just go away and I will be able to have a “normal” life. That’s not stable or rational. There is no legal way to make that make sense. You are, in effect, pleading insanity.
We all know that famous quote: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Often attributed to Albert Einstein, this was actual civil rights activist and feminist Rita Mae Brown’s quote from her 1983 book Sudden Death. But while the phrase may be hers, the concept was around long before, even appearing in Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous literature. Wherever it originated, it’s correct.
Running to food time and time again only led to my life becoming more and more unmanageable. There is little time to do what needs to be done when you start at a McDonalds drive-through and hide the food in the backseat under a blanket before going to Wendy’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC, and a pizza place, each time hiding the food before you go to the next location, all before returning home to eat them all in your underwear while watching “Golden Girls” and wishing you were Blanche with the men and Dorothy with the come-backs and Rose with the . . . well, she was cute and innocent so let’s go with that.
I needed to escape the cage of insanity I was slowly realizing I was already locked in. I could not see that by adhering to the prior decisions I made I was still falling into the same predictable pattern. I always viewed it as a new day, a new binge, a new way out. It never was. I just kept spinning in my underwear on the floor of my apartment surrounded by a graveyard of wrappers and half-eaten items as I dug my hand into a Nutella jar and cried. Bonus points for when I’d wake up with my hand stuck in that jar! That happened so many times.
I graduated law school and continued to use food. I got into an abusive relationship and used food. I grew more and more miserable with being a lawyer and used food. I just kept using and wondering why I wasn’t feeling any better, so I kept using more and more and doing it in more creative ways. My go-to towards the end of that relationship, was I would pick up fast food for two and go to an empty parking lot to eat them, throw out to trash, then go home and eat dinner with him. When he cheated on me, I used food. I just kept using food and wondering why things weren’t any better. Insanity, not stability like I wanted.
It wasn’t until I sought actual help and worked on my food addiction that things started falling into place and I could see a real way out. I left that relationship – after staying in it for far too long. I left the law. I left it all. I then looked for a community. I found one and soon joined what I now see as my family. I have a new career and I love every day. I don’t run to food like I did. I don’t sit and wallow. I look for the reason to change the past decisions, changed it, and now I have my new stare decisis: recovery.
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