Guest Contributor – Danielle Itgen, CRPA, CASAC-T
My Longest, Most Toxic Relationship
For many years it was just me and heroin. It was the longest, most toxic relationship I had ever been in. It took every ounce of happiness and self-love I had. Heroin was the only thing I gave a damn about.
I found out that I was pregnant during the height of my addiction. I stopped all substances immediately. I told myself I would never be that woman. I did everything in my power to make sure I was taking care of myself and my unborn child. I was happy. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Lennon on February 18, 2018. Her birth was traumatic. The hospital in South Carolina ended up giving me a couple of months’ worth of Roxicodone and sent me on my way with my two-day-old baby. I never told them I was an addict. At first, I took it as prescribed. Not too long after, I quickly spiraled. I became that person I told myself I would never become. I put myself, and her, into situations where no sane person would ever think of doing. If I was sick from withdrawal, I wouldn’t be able to take care of her. I told myself I was doing the right thing. As a mother, my primary instinct was to nurture and protect my child. However, the grip of addiction clouded that instinct.
Losing Custody and Finding Clarity
My mom received temporary custody of my daughter when she was just shy of 3 years old. Rightfully so. I knew I had to get sober. I knew I had to stay sober. For myself. If I wasn’t okay, my daughter wouldn’t be ok. I checked myself into a 28-day program. From there, I went straight into sober living. I did everything in my power to remain sober. But the hardest part for me was admitting I was an addict AND that I was a mother. I refused to accept it. I couldn’t speak the words out loud. I was embarrassed. I was full of shame and guilt.
Recovery, Redemption, and Real Talk
After 2 and a half long years of working on myself and my recovery, I received full custody back. Being her mom serves as both a motivation and reminder of what is at stake. As I navigate the complexities of being a mother in recovery, I have learned that balance is key. The love for my child drives me to confront my addiction head-on. I want to model resilience and strength for her, demonstrating that it is possible to face one’s demons and emerge stronger.
I’ve learned to communicate openly with her about my journey, appropriate to her age and understanding. Honesty fosters trust and helps dismantle the stigma surrounding addiction. By sharing my struggles, I hope to instill in her the values of empathy, resilience, and the importance of seeking help.
A Complex Identity, Fully Embraced
Accepting that I am both a mother and an addict is not an admission of defeat, but rather a declaration of my humanity. It is a testament to the strength it takes to confront one’s challenges while nurturing the next generation. As I continue this journey of recovery, I embrace the complexity of my identity, knowing that I can be both a loving mother and a person in recovery. Through acceptance, I find empowerment, and in that empowerment, the ability to create a brighter future for myself and my child.
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