Guest Contributor – Michael Letzeisen
Rock Bottom and a New Beginning
In December 2021 I ended up getting a new job which was a desk job in the Facilities department of the University less than a mile away from my house. I thought this was great I could be closer to home and not travel the hour to and from work. I’d have nights and weekends off and might be able to straighten out my life. My wife beat me to the punch. On the day prior to my last day of work she found the bottle I was drinking, confronted me and I shrugged it off. The next day was my last day in athletics, and I was heading to bring my keys in and clean up my office. That morning, she told me to kiss my kids good bye, pack a bag and not return that night. I had hit real rock bottom. My life as I knew it was over. I begged to not have her do that to me, but she made the right decision for the family and knew I needed help. I also deep down I knew I needed help.
My last drink was December 22, 2021. After returning the keys I got in my car and didn’t know where I was going that night. I ended up calling a friend of mine that told me I could stay at her vacation home as long as I needed to. I drove down crying the entire way and speaking with a former colleague of mine that was four years sober. We spoke the entire 1.5 hours to my destination, and I finally fell asleep that night for the first time sober. That night I admitted to myself I was an alcoholic and needed help.
I woke up the next day and it was Christmas Eve. We were supposed to go to my brothers to celebrate but my family was split up. My wife and kids at hour home and me on the Cape. I had to call my parents and tell them we weren’t going to make it however can you bring your granddaughter. I was an alcoholic and was away from the family. My parents were shocked. They thought I hadn’t drank in months but I admitted how I was hiding it from everyone, and my wife was the only one that knew. That afternoon I attended my first AA meeting in Hyannis, Massachusetts which was a block away from where I got picked up for my DUI about 20 years prior to. It’s funny how the world brings you full circle sometimes.
I realize AA isn’t for everyone, however AA is a big part of my sobriety and I’m forever thankful and grateful for the fellowship. I was scared as hell going to my first meeting and thought right away it was a cult. Everyone was happy and joking and happy to see each other. After the meeting I went to visit my uncle who was 29 years sober at the time and admitted to him I was an alcoholic. We talked for a long time before my aunt arrived and we all decided to go to Christmas Eve mass.
Coming Home to Sobriety
That night my wife and I talked, and she decided to let me return the next day, Christmas Day, so the kids would have both parents home for Christmas morning. It was a tension filled day as well as the next few days. Later that week after going to a couple of meetings I found my home group. I walked into the meeting and had a guy come right up to me and introduce himself, he was pretty much the leader of that group. That night I can remember going to bed happy to have found that group and talked to my wife about it. She had tears rolling down her eyes and was so happy we were actually talking. She said she had wanted this for so long.
Things started to get better between my wife and me. I started my new job, was going to meetings and getting along well with everyone. I wasn’t as angry as much anymore and was feeling good. After getting my three-month chip I went on my first commitment and spoke openly about my sobriety. I got active with the group and become the GSR. I helped breakdown the meetings and started getting friends within the group.
Facing the Emotions, Finding the Truth
The hard part just started coming too. Putting down the drink came easy to me, the hard part, which everyone goes through, is having to feel your emotions for the first time again and not being able to drink them away or numb yourself. I would end up crying over little things and couldn’t watch a movie without tearing up.
My other hard part was watching sports. I couldn’t watch sports even though my whole previous life was surrounded by sports. I never truly realized how much alcohol drove sports. The beverages in the stands, the ads on TV the rituals of pouring beverages over people’s heads on championships. I stopped watching sports and pretty much any TV outside of shows my kids wanted to watch.
Things were going well and then took a turn. I ended up getting isolated again and not treating my wife the way she should be treated. Looking back at everything now that is when our relationship truly ended. I got my one-year chip and shortly after my grandfather passed. He was my guy; I could talk more openly to him about life and everything than I could my own father. His passing also showed me the true power of AA. I asked for a first room floor due to my POTS at the hotel we stayed at. Of course, on the first floor of hotels is usually the bar and low and behold my room ended up being right next to the bar. I tried to right my grandfather’s eulogy that night but kept hearing all the fun going on next door. I looked up on my AA meeting guide app AA meetings nearby. I found one for the next day two miles from the hotel and planned to go to it. That morning, I went to the AA meeting, went to the beach after and got back to the hotel with a clear head and wrote a wonderful eulogy for my grandfather. I was also able to get through his funeral and the week without a drink.
After the funeral my wife and I continued to struggle and one day it got to a boiling point where I decided I needed to take a walk. At the time for my rebuilding my life and the kids having time with their grandparents (my parents) we had Sunday fun days. We would go their house and just hang out. That day I ended up driving everyone to the house and left. I had made up my mind I wanted to end my life. My suicidal ideations had gotten the best of me and I was ready to give up. I ended up taking a walk to decide should I pick up and end it all, end it all or drive myself to a hospital. At 17 months sober I checked myself in to a hospital for suicidal ideations.
I ended up meeting a guy that checked in the same time as me to the hospital. Him to try to sober up and me for suicidal ideations. At that time, I opened up the AA Big Book for the first time and actually read it. Him and I would talk about sobriety and read chapters in the Big Book. After a week I was discharged to outpatient program for two weeks. After the outpatient treatment I started seeing a therapist. During the time at the hospital my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was devastated.
Once I checked out my wife and I didn’t talk about the divorce at all we just went back to living our lives. Thanks to therapy I also started getting better. I soon opened meetings for my home group, assisted with the coffee setup, got a sponsor and started doing my steps. I got my two-year coin. Things all looked good except my relationship with my wife. In the summer 2023 I advocated for myself through my therapist and we learned I had Bipolar II. This was a turning point as I was always treated for depression and anxiety not Bipolar. From what we talked about I had Bipolar for years and would try to self-medicate with alcohol. This isn’t an excuse it’s just another reason why I drank. Being an Alcoholic was always there, it was just another reason I drank.
Rebuilding, One Day at a Time
In May of 2024 my wife and I had a big discussion, and we decided divorce was the best thing for us. This was a mutual agreement. Because I kept going to meetings, was doing my steps and talking about sobriety bad days could happen but I didn’t need to drink over them. As they say in AA, I could live life on life’s terms. I was still struggling mentally though and couldn’t kick the suicidal ideations completely away. This lead to be being checked in during the Fall of 2024 for a night of observation which I came out better than I went in.
Soon enough three years came up and then Valentines Day 2025. I ended up having a hard time and I had a bipolar relapse that took a week. My wife (I still call her that even though she is now the mother of my children, we are legally married but not separated as we still live together) called my therapist as she was worried about me. My therapist and I agreed that I could deal with this on my own and didn’t need hospitalization. That week I also had finished Step Four of the Twelve Steps and decided to do Step Five with my sponsor. It was the blessing in disguise that I needed. During Step Five where you admit your character defects to another person, my sponsor stopped me and asked an incredible question. Michael, do you love yourself? Do you even like yourself? For the first time in 43 years, I learned what my biggest issue was…I didn’t love myself, I didn’t like myself, I was never proud of anything I did. I came home and the mother of my children gave me a hug while I cried. I continued to cry for the next few days and kept thinking about killing myself. BUT I NEVER PICKED UP A DRINK!
Thankfully that weekend my relapse turned around and I was able to move forward. I’ve been doing much better mentally since. I gave my amends through Step Nine with the mother of my children which was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
AA is setup with Twelve Steps. These steps are the basic functions of AA. I can tell you that the Twelve Steps are the hardest thing you will ever do you in your life. They are the best therapy any person can do. I even told my therapist that. Once you go through the Twelve Steps, especially Step Nine, you feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
With AA and sobriety, I’ve also found God, who I’ve chosen as my high power. I get on my knees every morning to pray and speak with him all day long.
In the Spring of 2025, I learned about a man through Instagram that helps people as a life coach. This individual shared a similar story to mind as he is in recovery, divorced his wife and starting co-parenting his kids with her and built a new life. This man has been a godsend to me in helping me through a difficult time in my life. I would be where I am today without him and my therapist.
An image that I’ve taken a liken to throughout my sobriety is that of an anchor. An anchor has two prongs. One prong is my family, the other prong is my friends. Combine that with the Cross and AA’s triangle logo for the eyehole it is my Anchor of Hope. On my 1,000 days of sobriety, I got it tattooed on my right forearm, my old drinking hand. This helps prove to me that nothing is worth drinking over.
Sobriety, AA, my therapist and life coach have brought a new life to me. It’s not the most glamours life and still has improvements as I make them, but it is a far better life than I had during my drinking days. I’m in the process of rebuilding myself, that is what sobriety has taught me. I’m now reintroducing myself to who I am. What do I truly like, what do I like to do. Who the hell is Michael.
I am there for my kids and am present with them, not the parent that is drinking away his life. I can laugh, cry and help them find their way. I can read books to them and put them to bed without having to rush down for a drink. I can attend their t-ball games, go on field trips, have Daddy-Daughter days. Go on family outings with a present sober mind.
I started classes in Fall of 2024 to get my Substance Addiction Counseling license to become a Recovery Coach. I started an Instagram account in which I share things about my sobriety story, I speak about mental health and suicide awareness. I have become a sponsor for others in AA. I continue to go on commitments when I can for my home group. I am the assistant treasurer, have Chaired our Anniversary for the past two years and often am asked to hold the keys to our meeting location to open and close the hall. I was a Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Boston Visionary in the Year in 2024 to raise funds for the organization as my dad battles Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. I participated in the 2024 POTS Awareness Walk and raised funds for it. I participated in the American Found for Suicide Prevention Out of the Darkness Walk in 2024 and raise funds for it, I’m now on the 2025 Walk Committee. These items I would never have accomplished while drinking.
A few months ago, I was told I’m in remission from my POTS. This has been four long years in the making with the proper treatment both from medications and how I’ve treated my body. This never would have occurred if I was drinking.
Sobriety has brought me a new life. One that I can truly live life on life’s terms. Yes, I still need to get my mental state in check, however I know I don’t need to drink over my mental issues. Alcoholism is one issue and mental health is another.
My life is good right now and it’s because of sobriety.
I’m forever thankful, grateful and blessed for AA, sobriety and to the mother of my children for making the hardest decision to kick me out and get my journey started.
I end all my talks about sobriety with saying I take life ONE DAY AT A TIME and DON’T LET THE HARD DAYS WIN.
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