Will Fruin – Guest Contributor
The story of post-hospitalization, where I had to rediscover who I am and what I wanted to do with my life, was that I had a chance of living. For the last 14.75 years, I was stuck in a day and time and lost because I didn’t understand how to decipher the emotions until I surrendered and allowed healing to begin. I had patterns that were normal to me, and that was hiding who I was and living under a mask because I thought I would be judged for what I did when I was 21, and people wouldn’t understand the context.
Opening my arms to failing at many things and to new experiences. I discovered that I could enjoy many experiences I had no desire to try, or to put myself in a vulnerable place to experience. The search helped me smile, seek going out, and even experience a multitude of emotions, like ‘why try these things? You are 36. Why do you want to do this? You are silly,’ and a series of other harmful thoughts to help keep me in a familiar way of thinking. After listening to these intrusive thoughts, it was my responsibility to explore the new experience and let the child inside go out and explore.
The things that they do not tell us about healing and how it looks so unsafe, and the thought loops that we used to keep us safe or in a controlled atmosphere are the same place that we created to keep us safe. Taking off a mask finally let me let people reject me for me instead of dismissing myself all the time. It allowed someone to love me for who I am, not just the role or the acting stage that I thought people wanted to see. To walk the path of the unknown allowed me to live and stop surviving.
I have been blessed with such a chaotic life, and based on past experiences, it has let me sit with people who have similar experiences to mine to help normalize the changes. The chaos has now become a superpower, and I can meet people with love.
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