Contributing Writer – Sandra Smith
I have had anxiety as a companion in my life since I was 4 years old. I remember because I was grinding my two front baby teeth to nubs, and the dentist told my mom about it. I was also pulling my hair out when I sucked my thumb and “twiddled my hair” at night. My pillow would be covered in hair in the morning. My mom didn’t know what to do with me and basically said, “Stop grinding your teeth.” I think I was able to stop, and it wasn’t a problem when my second set of teeth grew in.
I was eight when I was picked up from the skate-a-thon and taken to the emergency room for intense stomach pain. I was diagnosed with a “nervous stomach.” They gave me two medications for it, and once I knew what it was, I was able to manage it. The next year, I didn’t need the medications anymore.
Drinking to Cope
My anxiety just became a part of my life, and I dealt with it as best as I could. In my twenties, when I started regularly drinking to self-medicate my anxiety, I also experienced several bouts of depression. I also experienced postpartum depression in 2003. Despite alcohol making me feel more depressed, I kept using it to help with my anxiety.
Journal Excerpt from 2013
I would rather have anxiety alone than anxiety with depression. I’ve been down that sad road several times and I’d rather be afraid than sad and afraid. The root of anger is fear and I guess the root of sadness is lack of hope added in to the fear.
I have anger issues, which stands to reason if I have fear issues. The anger simmers underneath a lot of the time and can manifest as mild irritability on up to rage outbursts. Thankfully, rage outbursts are not very often. Sad but true—the rage would be mainly directed at my family members. My husband, mom, and occasionally my sister, and once in a blue moon, my daughter.
A therapist once told me that we all show our ugly sides to people we feel most comfortable with.
I have gotten close to a rage tantrum that almost overspilled at work, but I was able to divert disaster by leaving the situation before “showing my ass” and embarrassing myself—and worst-case scenario, getting fired.
Things that help: Exercise, Klonopin, drinking, self-awareness, counseling, naps, staying busy, and jokes.
When Coping Stops Working
But over time, the Klonopin and drinking stopped helping. In fact, they exacerbated my anxiety and depression. In 2019, I started experiencing nocturnal panic attacks. I started to drink more to cope with the unhappiness I was experiencing in my job and personal life. My hangovers ruined my weekends and added physical discomfort to the mental discomfort I was experiencing.
In September of 2020, I decided that alcohol was no longer my friend. For about a year, I was drinking too much at “dinners out with the girls” and driving home. Having experienced a DUI when I was 25—I knew better. I knew better, but my judgment would fly out the window after the second glass of wine, and I’d have a third glass and get behind the wheel.
My daughter was a teenager, and I knew this was terrible role modeling and dangerous behavior. I certainly didn’t want her to drink and drive, so why was I?
The Turning Point
Change is hard, and I had used alcohol as my coping tool for anxiety since I was in my twenties. So that was my crutch for 30 years. Alcohol worked for me—until it didn’t. It stopped working and was causing more harm than good. I just woke up to that fact one very hungover day, but the idea had been mulling around in my mind for years. I had literally experienced negative consequences related to alcohol use over thirty years before it finally clicked for me.
I made the decision to stop drinking and taking Klonopin and started the long and difficult process of recovery. I learned about a program called Women for Sobriety and I liked it. It was during the COVID shutdown, so I did it from home on my own.
The Path to Healing
I had to begin repairing my relationships that I had damaged when my anger would break loose. I also had to move on from some of the unhealthy relationships I was in at the time, which was very sad and painful. I rebuilt my life one day at a time and did the work.
Now, what I would say works for my anxiety is sobriety, healthy eating, exercise, meditation, nature, self-awareness, journaling, and self-care.
I do not have panic attacks anymore and can handle the anxiety flares with the tools in my toolbox. My “simmering anger” has significantly improved and is no longer an issue. Once I made the changes in my life, I realized that it was the negative relationships causing my anger.
I’m still on my recovery journey, and it does get easier as time goes by. The urges to self-medicate with alcohol have gone away because I know alcohol would be like throwing gasoline on a fire to try to put out the fire.
I like my new sober self and want to keep going on this path that makes me happier.
Sandra Smith is a contributing writer for Sober Not Subtle. Sandra is a life coach, grief counselor, and sober coach dedicated to helping others navigate life’s challenges with compassion and support. Based in North Carolina, she finds joy in spending time with her horse and her 22-year-old daughter. A passionate advocate for holistic living, Sandra enjoys vegetarian cooking and has recently taken up brewing her own kombucha. With dreams of owning a hobby farm one day, she embraces a mindful and intentional lifestyle.
Sandra holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Misericordia and an MBA in Business Administration from the University of Arizona. Through her coaching practice, Waves of Love, she provides guidance for those seeking healing, personal growth, and sobriety. Follow Sandra on her social media accounts below
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